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GrammyCris Offline
#1 Posted : Monday, July 01, 2013 8:07:14 PM(UTC)
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A very good friend of mine emailed me today and told me that she has stage 2 melanoma brain and spine cancer. She said she is feeling upbeat about it and plans to kick cancers a**! She has started radiation and the decision will be made later about chemo.

Here is my question for y'all....she said "Please don't feel sorry for me. I will make it and plan on seeing my grandkids grow up"

So, I will be visiting her often and want to know from some of you what you appreciated the most from your friends...what to say, something to give her, anything....she has no kids at home to help take care of, her hubby is retired and waiting on her hand and foot and her daughter and son in law are there for her a lot.

She can not go to work for now as the cancer and treatments are making her brain fuzzy and she does have slight seizures.

I just need to know how to be there for her without being morbid or bringing her down but letting her know I care.

Can you just let me know what meant the most to you while going through it all.

UPDATE....post #15

Edited by user Sunday, September 08, 2013 5:45:29 PM(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

EstherWheat Offline
#2 Posted : Monday, July 01, 2013 8:16:27 PM(UTC)
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Most of all try to be as normal as possible. What did you do before? What did you talk about? Give her a chance to talk about her cancer and treatment as much as she wants and be a sounding board for her. Sometimes, people who are ill feel like they have to put on a happy face and look brave. She is more than her illness and make a point to let her know that. Love, love love! I hope she does beat this and see her grand kids grow up but if that isn't God's will, then spend as much time as you can with her and help her through whatever comes.
There may come a time (it did for my friend) where she wants to be alone and not be bothered. Be sure to give her space and check in frequently via other means.

Good luck to your friend.
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GrammyCris on 7/1/2013(UTC)
cricaholic Offline
#3 Posted : Tuesday, July 02, 2013 1:22:34 AM(UTC)
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Stage 2 is SURVIVABLE!!! it will be a tough fight because its in the brain and spine and radiation is tougher on the body than chemo. She's going to have good and bad days and just be there for her as USUAL.

I had a BF with cancer and I made things to lift her spirits, she loved them!!














I made some more stuff too. I saw my BF about every 2 weeks and I always made something to take to her to cheer her up!! She LOVED MY CRAFTS!!!Laugh She loved the Cancer sucks dum dum bouquet the best...
Laugh YOU HAVE TO FIND HUMOR!!!!! I'd make your friend a card with maybe an alein on the front RADIATION!! then on the inside....Wow aren't you glowing beautifully.
or but a head or brain on the front RADIATION! and inside thats one way to preserve the brain.
or on days when shes sick....you could put a green monster or a scale and inside thats one way to slim down...
flapper] Laugh I could go on and on. I'm not the mushy type or the poor poor dear...I'm the IT IS WHAT IT IS AND DEAL WITH IT. So you lost your hair...you didn't like that hair color/cut anyway...lets go find some wigs so you can decide what color/cut you do want when your real hair grow back.....your sick..well you needed to lose weight anyway....way to sick...think of the fun you'll have putting that weight back on.... Shop till you drop NEW WARDROBE!!
ok I think you get the idea...
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Krissypapercrafts Offline
#4 Posted : Tuesday, July 02, 2013 3:17:43 AM(UTC)
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Hi
My son-in-law has stage 4 colon (rectal) cancer. He is only 34! He has been getting chemo every two weeks for over a year and a half! He is very positive and says "he is going to kick cancer's a**!" The one thing he doesn't want is to be treated any differently and he doesn't want pitty! You would never know he has cancer (sure his hair is thinner, and he now has a face rash from this chemo he is on) but he still looks great and feels great! Support your friend by treating her the same and by being positive that she will kick this cancer! They have come so far with treating cancer I'm sure your friend will "kick cancers a**". you can support her in so many ways... make dinner for them, (this helped them the most when they first found out about the cancer) make some cute positive cards, do a errand for them, just let her know that you are still her friend by being there for her. You could bring her to her treatment and give her hubby a break. My son-in-law has so many friends that do this with him, when he goes to get his treatment, it takes all day so he likes company! His dad is now retired so he mostly goes with him. My daughter is a teacher and it's hard to get off. She is off for the summer so she will want to go with him now.
Saying prayers for your friend that she will have a complete recovery!
krafty kate Offline
#5 Posted : Tuesday, July 02, 2013 3:50:34 AM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: GrammyCris Go to Quoted Post
A very good friend of mine emailed me today and told me that she has stage 2 melanoma brain and spine cancer. She said she is feeling upbeat about it and plans to kick cancers a**! She has started radiation and the decision will be made later about chemo.

Here is my question for y'all....she said "Please don't feel sorry for me. I will make it and plan on seeing my grandkids grow up"

So, I will be visiting her often and want to know from some of you what you appreciated the most from your friends...what to say, something to give her, anything....she has no kids at home to help take care of, her hubby is retired and waiting on her hand and foot and her daughter and son in law are there for her a lot.

She can not go to work for now as the cancer and treatments are making her brain fuzzy and she does have slight seizures.

I just need to know how to be there for her without being morbid or bringing her down but letting her know I care.

Can you just let me know what meant the most to you while going through it all.



Having read your very moving piece, you already sound like the kind of caring friend that everyone who finds themselves in this situation really needs. I am a breast cancer survivor; knowing people care is SO important. It's never really the big things that mean the most, it's having a laugh, a small gesture of kindness but knowing that you are there and thinking of her, will be so important to your friend. So many people, full of their own fears, hide from 'friends' who fall ill. Don't be a stranger, be there, even if it's just to say 'I'm thinking of you'. If your friend reads what you have posted on this forum she will know how valued she is. And, if you do find yourself shedding a tear or two in her company, she will understand that it is because you care for her.

You will both need a bit of steel to cope with the months ahead. I hope all goes well and I am sending my love to you and your friend.


southgirltexas Offline
#6 Posted : Tuesday, July 02, 2013 6:20:59 AM(UTC)
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So very sorry to hear that your friend has such a battle with this nasty disease. A positive attitude is the only way to go. My buddy faced it last year and I decided to be NOTHING but positive around her. I could cry in private but never ever let her know. I made her a journal and told her to write down her thoughts, names of nurses she liked anything BUT she had to end the entry with a positive thought. Hope sometimes is all we have to cling to. And having had a serious illness I know that being positve is what saw me through it. Some of the things I put in it are:

Smile when it hurts most.

Most of the important things
in the world have been
accomplished by people
who have kept on trying
when there seemed to be
no hope at all.
- Dale Carnegie

Don’t waste a minute
not being happy.
If one window closes,
run to the next window
or break down a door.
- Brooke Shields

Create a definite plan
for carrying out your desire
and begin at once,
whether you ready or not,
to put this plan into action.
- Napoleon Hill


What a man thinks of himself,
that it is which determines,
or rather indicates his fate.
- Henry David Thoreau


You gain strength,
experience and confidence
by every experience where
you really stop to look fear
in the face.
You must do the thing you cannot do.
- Eleanor Roosevelt


If you think you can,
you can.
And if you think you can’t,
you’re right.
- Henry Ford


For they can conquer
who believe they can.


All we have to decide
is what to do with the time
that is given to us.
- J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings


Fields are won by those
who believe in the winning.
- Thomas Wolfe


If you doubt yourself,
then indeed you stand
on shaky ground.
- Henrik Ibsen


Knock the “t” off the “can’t.”
- Samuel Johnson


As you think, so shall you become.
- Bruce Lee


Always do what you are afraid to do.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson


There is a time to take counsel
of your fears,
and there is a time
to never listen to any fear.
- George S. Patton


The mind is everything; what you think, you become.
- Buddha


We improve ourselves
by victories over ourself.
There must be contests,
and you must win.
- Edward Gibbon


If you think you can win,
you can win.
Faith is necessary to victory.
- William Hazlitt


Victory at all costs,
victory in spite of all terror,
victory however long and hard
the road may be;
for without victory
there is no survival.
- Winston Churchill


Victory belongs to
the most persevering.
- Napoleon Bonaparte


The harder the conflict,
the more glorious the triumph.
- Thomas Paine


Winning isn’t everything,
it’s the only thing.
- Vince Lombardi

Edited by user Tuesday, July 02, 2013 6:32:11 AM(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

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NotGoingGreyGracefully on 7/2/2013(UTC)
jojoy Online
#7 Posted : Tuesday, July 02, 2013 7:02:38 AM(UTC)
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One of my friends had breast cancer twice, about 20 years apart. She survived both. It was tough, but I truly believe her attitude got her through it. There will be bad days and good days.

Also, someone very close to me was diagnosed with lung cancer. She had to have part of her lung removed. I lived about 10 minutes from her. I was there every night with her. I followed her lead. Most of the time she did not want to talk about it, and that was OK. We went for a walk every night. At first we would only walk about 1/2 block. We kept increasing it. Before you know it, we would walk a mile. To this day she tells me how much those walks meant to her. Not the situation, of course, but the walks. I don't cook, but I would always stop and pick up dinner for her. She really appreciated all of the cards that people sent. She has made it past the 5 year mark.

So, I would say, just be there for her and follow her lead. I wish her the best in her recovery.
Bugsy2 Offline
#8 Posted : Tuesday, July 02, 2013 7:32:24 AM(UTC)
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Give her a big hug from all of us!

A few years ago my mom had a cancer scare. She has lost three cousins to breast cancer. Mom didn't tell us kids until her biopsy came back. She had a benign cyst!! She said she didn't want to worry us unnecessarily. Though I was incredibly relieved, I was still angry at her.. and my dad.. for keeping us in the dark.

Again, give your friend a hug and let her know that you'll be there for her no matter what. You'll take any abuse that she wants to dump on you, and you'll be there to hold her and reassure her when she feels like every truth she's ever known is slipping away.
jojoy Online
#9 Posted : Tuesday, July 02, 2013 9:08:55 AM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: Bugsy2 Go to Quoted Post
Give her a big hug from all of us!

A few years ago my mom had a cancer scare. She has lost three cousins to breast cancer. Mom didn't tell us kids until her biopsy came back. She had a benign cyst!! She said she didn't want to worry us unnecessarily. Though I was incredibly relieved, I was still angry at her.. and my dad.. for keeping us in the dark.

Again, give your friend a hug and let her know that you'll be there for her no matter what. You'll take any abuse that she wants to dump on you, and you'll be there to hold her and reassure her when she feels like every truth she's ever known is slipping away.


Don't blame your mom. My sister was the same way. She would not tell my other sisters or her own daughter when I was taking her for her biopsy. Her daughter was starting college in a few days and she didn't want to worry her. I am so glad that that she broke down and told everyone the night before. It did end up being cancer, but she has passed the 5 mile mark and that is a BIG thing. You have to let them go through all of their emotions and handle it at their own speed.
mickeydee Online
#10 Posted : Tuesday, July 02, 2013 1:39:36 PM(UTC)
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I have been battling breast cancer for the past 9 years. Right now I am in Stage4, as it has metastasized to several places in my body including my spinal cord. In the past, during chemo, I was so miserable that it was hard to carry on much of a conversation, but I had several ladies from church doing wonderful things for me. One lady would put a little basket on my porch with videos for me to watch, I had trouble with concentration so it was hard for me to read a book. When I finished the movies, she would take them back and fill it up again. Another lady would send me cards once a week. The best part of that is that I knew people were still thinking of me, but it didn't require any energy on my part. I had NO energy. The chemo I am on this time is a completely different drug with less side effects, so, it is different this time. Because part of the cancer was in my spinal cord, I can no longer walk. The sweet ladies from church stop by with treats and meals and we visit, or watch a movie, or make cards, which is interesting since I am in one of those hospital beds. When it comes to making cards and scrapbooking, there is a way to do that in a bed. Not easy, but possible. When they visit, we just talk about anything that we would have normally talk about. It is nice to just be normal and not change the dynamic that we had in the past. Just be her friend and see what is best for her, she is dealing with a lot, so, having a bit of "normal" is nice.
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♥Buggy♥ on 8/20/2013(UTC), DBCMC on 8/21/2013(UTC)
oldcole3c36d2eb Offline
#11 Posted : Tuesday, July 02, 2013 3:24:50 PM(UTC)
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My daughter has an incurable cancer, ACC. This is her favorite verse:

WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO

Cancer is so limited. . . . . .
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot destroy confidence
It cannot shut out memories
It cannot eat away peace
It cannot silence courage
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot reduce eternal life
It cannot quench the Spirit

Just be there for your friend, sounds like you know the right path.
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NotGoingGreyGracefully on 7/2/2013(UTC), DBCMC on 8/21/2013(UTC)
♥Buggy♥ Offline
#12 Posted : Tuesday, August 20, 2013 4:51:13 PM(UTC)
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these are all so beautiful and thoughtful gifts! Thank you for sharing. I like the idea of life savers and dum-dums because chemo tends to cause dry-mouth. I plan to scraplift your ideas ;)
♥Buggy♥ Offline
#13 Posted : Tuesday, August 20, 2013 4:53:04 PM(UTC)
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mickydee - I just read your post! just wanted to let you know that I will be thinking about you and praying for you! Hope today has brought you some relief and a reason to smile.
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DBCMC on 8/21/2013(UTC)
janeshepherd Offline
#14 Posted : Wednesday, August 21, 2013 8:22:58 PM(UTC)
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I hope I'm not to late replying to this.

I am a survivor of 16 years. My kids were 5 and 7 when I was diagnosed, so my needs were different than your friends.

Two of the best things people did for me through my treatments were:

1. On the days that I had Chemo treatments the neighbours got together and made dinners for the family, my treatments were Fridays, so they cycled through the weeks and prepared meals for Friday and Saturday so I wouldn't have to cook. I so appreciated that since I usually ended up vomitting for those two days, but I knew my kids were taken care of.

2. My family got together and rotated weeks paying for a cleaning lady for me. I had cleaners every two weeks when I was on treatments for 10 months. This was an absolute god send.

As I said my needs would have been different than your friends but these had a big impact. As the sickness didn't stop my kids from being kids and me from being a mom.

I wish you friend the best, and I wish for you the strenghth to help her through this. Going through a critical illness requires strenght, not just from the patient but from everyone around them.

My prayers are with your friends.
GrammyCris Offline
#15 Posted : Sunday, September 08, 2013 5:43:53 PM(UTC)
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Update.....
A few of you have sent me a PM asking about my friend. I am very sad tonight....her daughter called me a bit ago and told me that my friend is losing the battle. Her stage 2 cancer progressed to stage 4 very quickly. The last couple of times that I visited her she told me she knew she wouldn't make it even though she was fighting as hard as she could. Tonight her daughter tells me that she is completely unresponsive and only occasionally opens her eyes. Tomorrow I will go and say goodbye to my dear friend.

Thanks to all of you for your suggestions...everytime I visited we laughed, we talked normal, but we still talked real. She knew how much I cared and how much I would miss her.

Edited by user Sunday, September 08, 2013 5:47:16 PM(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

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rhondah* on 9/8/2013(UTC)
PaperKrafter4Life Offline
#16 Posted : Sunday, September 08, 2013 7:13:00 PM(UTC)
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Grammy chris, our thoughts are with you and her family. I was sad to hear your update news, we always hold out hope...............we are thinking of you.
curious george II Offline
#17 Posted : Sunday, September 08, 2013 8:52:48 PM(UTC)
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Cris,

In 1994 my mother was diagnosed with adenoid cystic cancer, it is very rare and the survival rate was only 2 years at the most, my other made medical history she survived for almost 7 years. My mother went under extensive surgery for over 8 hours I believe and lost her left eye and her inner ear. I watched my mother fight cancer for almost 7 years only to see her cancer return in 2000 only this time it had moved into her brain and her vertebrae, she had hid it from me for almost 7 months because at the time I was pregnant with my youngest daughter. During those 7 months my mother lived life to the fullest, she didnt want us to treat her any different than we had when she was healthy and well. My mother was driving herself back and forth to the doctors, took three of her grandchildren in her home for almost a year (just because she wanted to spend as much time as she could with them before she passed), and she went to see her boyfriend Mickey Mouse in Disney World against doctors orders. She wasnt suppose to be driving, flying, really wasnt suppose to be doing half of the things that she was doing but I truly believe that if she hadnt she would not have lived as long as she did. My mother is the strongest woman I know because I dont even know if I could survive through half the pain she endured. I sit back now as I write these word of encouragement to you and I think of her; be blessed to know that she appreciated your friendship, she loved you giving her her space, and she was blessed to have you close when she needed the support. She will never leave you because when the darkest days of her not being there she will do you the same way my mother doesnt me. . . send me some silly thought that we use to do, or say, or just a warm fuzzy feeling to let you know that shes okay and that she is watching over you. My mother passed April of 2001, she never got to see my son, she saw her granddaughter for 3 months and my youngest daughter has no memories of her but I tell them both stories of their grandmother and I know that she is also watching them from above. I am truly sorry to hear about your friend and I wish you and her daughter the best during this trying time; but remember she may be leaving, but she will never be forgotten.

Curious II
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GrammyCris on 9/8/2013(UTC)
curious george II Offline
#18 Posted : Sunday, September 08, 2013 8:54:27 PM(UTC)
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Cris,

In 1994 my mother was diagnosed with adenoid cystic cancer, it is very rare and the survival rate was only 2 years at the most, my other made medical history she survived for almost 7 years. My mother went under extensive surgery for over 8 hours I believe and lost her left eye and her inner ear. I watched my mother fight cancer for almost 7 years only to see her cancer return in 2000 only this time it had moved into her brain and her vertebrae, she had hid it from me for almost 7 months because at the time I was pregnant with my youngest daughter. During those 7 months my mother lived life to the fullest, she didnt want us to treat her any different than we had when she was healthy and well. My mother was driving herself back and forth to the doctors, took three of her grandchildren in her home for almost a year (just because she wanted to spend as much time as she could with them before she passed), and she went to see her boyfriend Mickey Mouse in Disney World against doctors orders. She wasnt suppose to be driving, flying, really wasnt suppose to be doing half of the things that she was doing but I truly believe that if she hadnt she would not have lived as long as she did. My mother is the strongest woman I know because I dont even know if I could survive through half the pain she endured. I sit back now as I write these word of encouragement to you and I think of her; be blessed to know that she appreciated your friendship, she loved you giving her her space, and she was blessed to have you close when she needed the support. She will never leave you because when the darkest days of her not being there she will do you the same way my mother doesnt me. . . send me some silly thought that we use to do, or say, or just a warm fuzzy feeling to let you know that shes okay and that she is watching over you. My mother passed April of 2001, she never got to see my son, she saw her granddaughter for 3 months and my youngest daughter has no memories of her but I tell them both stories of their grandmother and I know that she is also watching them from above. I am truly sorry to hear about your friend and I wish you and her daughter the best during this trying time; but remember she may be leaving, but she will never be forgotten.

Curious II
rhondah* Offline
#19 Posted : Sunday, September 08, 2013 9:14:52 PM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: GrammyCris Go to Quoted Post
Update.....
A few of you have sent me a PM asking about my friend. I am very sad tonight....her daughter called me a bit ago and told me that my friend is losing the battle. Her stage 2 cancer progressed to stage 4 very quickly. The last couple of times that I visited her she told me she knew she wouldn't make it even though she was fighting as hard as she could. Tonight her daughter tells me that she is completely unresponsive and only occasionally opens her eyes. Tomorrow I will go and say goodbye to my dear friend.

Thanks to all of you for your suggestions...everytime I visited we laughed, we talked normal, but we still talked real. She knew how much I cared and how much I would miss her.


Thanks so much for the update. Sorry it's such a sad one. I will pray for you, your friend, and her family. (((HUGS)))
garagesaler Offline
#20 Posted : Monday, September 09, 2013 9:43:40 AM(UTC)
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So very sorry to hear this about your friend.

Edited by user Monday, September 09, 2013 9:44:17 AM(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

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